


something that's not there anymore

by suneye



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (or at least...a hopeful ending), Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mentions of serious injuries, Mentions of sickness/vomiting, Mortality, Post-3A, there is also some fluff in here believe it or not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-31 05:20:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17843231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suneye/pseuds/suneye
Summary: Nobody needs to know that Magnus isn't fine.





	something that's not there anymore

**Author's Note:**

> I won't lie...this got away from me. I don't even remember my original idea for it. Also at this point from what we know about 3B this is going to be in no way canon-compliant. But honestly who cares! This took forever and I kinda like it so I'm posting it anyway. Enjoy!

There are moments where he forgets.

The first few seconds after waking up in the morning. When he's too distracted by what he's reading or who he's kissing. Times when he's too sleepy to get up to turn off the lights.

In those moments, he'll raise his arm - not too high, just to his shoulder level - and reach for something that  _ should _ be there. Something that's  _ always _ been there.

Then it all hits him, suddenly and in agonizing detail: the fire, the deal with the devil, the feeling of everything he'd learned not to hate about himself being ripped away from him, leaving him bare and empty and vulnerable. Then his father's magic, too much for anyone. Far too much for a mortal body. Then Alexander's blood on his hands, and Catarina's furrowed brows, and Luke's haunted face when he came to Magnus begging for help only to be turned away, and Maryse holding back tears at Alec's bedside, the silence between them loaded with things they both should have said out loud.

When this happens, Magnus can usually process it quickly.  _ Okay _ , he tells himself.  _ So you don't have magic anymore. You're not a warlock anymore. You're not immortal anymore. There are worse things in this world. _ And there are, so he quickly wipes any trace of sadness or unease from his face and carries on with what he's doing. Grabs the sugar himself. Gets out of bed to turn off the light. Stops trying to draw out his magic.

Other times it's not so easy, and more than once he's jolted awake in the middle of the night and only been able to sleep again after he's cried his heart out, face pressed into his pillow to muffle the noise. This is always done in secret, because he's  _ fine, really _ , and nobody needs to worry and nobody needs to know that he's not.

The only person he cries in front of is Catarina, that first night. She's just finished healing Alec and managed to get Magnus to leave his bedside for a minute to eat and drink something. It’s there, under the bright lights of her kitchen as she urges him to take off his bloodied coat that it all really sinks in for the first time. He collapses. She sits on the floor beside him and asks him what's going on. He tells her. Or, he tries to, but at some point he just starts crying, and she holds him until he's too tired to cry anymore.

Everybody tries to get him to  _ talk _ , of course. Isabelle, who shows up with terrible homemade muffins and dark circles under her eyes, tells him she's there no matter what, and he can always  _ talk _ to her. Maryse, who ushers him into the living room and pulls him into her arms once she's satisfied that Alec will be okay, whispers that she doesn't know what's going on, but whatever it is, he can  _ talk _ to her about it. Raphael, who calls from three states away saying that he heard, and he's on his way, and he's so, so sorry, makes sure to remind Magnus to call if he needs anything or just wants to  _ talk _ . Even Jace starts his brief but heartfelt apology with,  _ can we talk? _

Magnus really doesn't feel like talking.

He tells Alec exactly that one night a few days after the fact, when they're lounging on opposite sides of the couch, their legs touching, reading different books, trying to distract themselves from all the things going on in the world. He's been feeling Alec's eyes on him all evening, and the second Alec opened his mouth he knew what he was going to say. So before Alec can say anything, Magnus says, “I don't want to talk about it.”

Alec hesitates. “You will,” he says after a moment, “and I’ll be here when you do.”

Magnus has to admit, Alec’s quiet but constant support does make things slightly easier - which is a relief, because nothing has been  _ easy _ these days: His makeup takes an hour longer to put on. He has to drive places since he can't make portals anymore. He keeps misplacing his apartment keys or forgetting to lock the door. He gets drunk now - worse, he gets  _ hungover _ . And considering he's not a Downworlder anymore, he doesn't really know what to do with Pandemonium. Everything’s a mess.

And then, just as Alec fully recovers and gets the OK to go back to work, things get even harder: Magnus catches a cold. And for the first few hours he's very concerned, because he hasn't gotten sick in about two hundred years - and he's certainly never had the  _ common cold _ before. Once he realizes he's not about to drop dead, he just becomes frustrated.

Alec brings him chicken soup and orange juice at Maia's suggestion.

“Thank you, darling,” Magnus says, voice unfamiliar from the stuffy nose and hours of coughing himself hoarse. When Alec bends down to kiss him on the forehead, Magnus moves abruptly out of the way. “No, you'll get sick too!”

“I'll be fine,” Alec assures him. He tries the kiss again but Magnus dodges him once more.

“Also, I'm disgusting.”

“As if,” Alec scoffs, and finally gets the damn kiss that he wanted so badly. He turns his attention on the soup and brings up hot spoonful to Magnus' lips, holding a napkin underneath with his other hand to prevent spills. Magnus has never been more in love with him.

It turns out that Alec is a wonderful nurse. He brings Magnus food and medicine, makes him tea, rubs his shoulders, even buys a humidifier for the bedroom. On top of that, he doesn't seem at all bothered by the constant sneezing and occasional vomiting. He even works from home two days in a row so he can keep Magnus company. They spend so much time together that Magnus runs out of "sexy nurse" jokes by the end of the first day. He decides to instead occupy his time by looking through job listings and typing out a resume, but with his splitting headache and frustration at trying to list his qualifications in a  _ human  _ way, he doesn’t get very far.

When he's feeling better, Alec takes him out on a date. They have to take a taxi there, which throws Magnus off a little at first, but it's a nice Chinese restaurant with romantic lighting and prices just high enough to make Alec's insistence on paying the bill sweet as opposed to idiotic. They eat and drink (water - they drink water because Magnus is still a bit sick and doesn't understand his own alcohol tolerance anymore) and hold hands across the table and tip the waiter two-hundred dollars because it's dinner rush and she's trying her best.

“You wanna take a walk?” Alec asks once they're outside, bundled up against the chilly - but not yet quite cold - weather. Magnus nods and they begin to walk hand-in-hand down the street.

“Thank you for dinner,” Magnus says. “Next one's on me.”

Alec shakes his head fondly. “No one's keeping score. I just felt like doing something nice for you since you've been cooped up at home for so long.”

Magnus squeezes Alec's hand with his own as he takes a deep breath, taking in lungfuls of the fresh, crisp night air. The walk is long and eventually Alec calls a taxi anyway, but the half hour stretching their legs in open air does wonders for their mood.

Back at the loft, Magnus makes tea and has Alec join him on the couch on the balcony. Alec wraps a blanket around the both of them and they both sit there in silence for a long while, sipping tea and watching the stars.

“I love you,” Alec says out of nowhere. Magnus doesn't mind. It feels like the right thing to say and the right thing to hear.

“I love you, too,” Magnus says.

“I know,” Alec leans in to place a soft kiss on his cheek. “And I'm really sorry.”

“About what, darling?”

He can hear Alec swallow thickly beside him. “Your magic.”

“Alexander-”

“I know you said you didn't wanna talk about it yet, but… come  _ on _ , Magnus. It’s been over a week and you’ve refused to talk to  _ anyone _ .”

“That’s not true,” Magnus lies.

“I talked to Catarina,” Alec says. “And if you’re not talking to her, and you’re not talking to me, and you’re not seeing a therapist-”

“I don’t need a-”

“-then that means you’re just bottling things up again.”

Damn him - he knows Magnus too well.

“If you need time to process, I understand,” Alec goes on. “But at least let me apologize.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Magnus starts to say, but Alec holds up a finger to his lips to silence him. Magnus gives him an unamused look but respectfully lets him continue.

Alec takes a deep breath. “I- I just want you to know that I love you more than anything. And the thought of you suffering because of something that I could've prevented is... it's killing me. But nothing hurts more than you hiding from me. So, please, don’t put on a facade for my sake or anyone else’s.”

Magnus takes a moment to let the words sink in. He doesn't quite know how to feel about that. He feels a little lost, a little ashamed at not having noticed Alec felt this way, and some semblance of anger deep in his subconscious because  _ it’s not for  _ your  _ sake _ .

But mostly he just wants to fix this because he knows firsthand how damaging guilt can be.

He places a hand on top of Alec’s under the blanket and turns to him. "I made a choice in Edom,” he says quietly. “And, yes, it was because of you - but so what? I think I have made it clear by now that I would do anything for you, Alexander, and never regret it. Can you trust me on that?"

Alec nods.

"Good," Magnus smiles. "Now, I've come to realize that life is a gift and our time on earth that is not spent healing from stab wounds or throwing up into a toilet is very limited, so don't waste another second of it feeding your guilt. We're both alive, we're both here, and we should make the most of that. Yeah?”

Alec has started tearing up, but they're not sad tears. He quickly blinks them away. Magnus cups his face and kisses him before wrapping his arms around Alec and going back to stargazing. He meant every word he said. He just didn't mention the underlying fear and bitterness that accompanied his optimistic worldview.

A week or two later, Magnus is still trying to get used to living without magic. He's started googling things religiously. And thankfully it seems he's not the only person out there who needs a step-by-step guide on how to do the simplest mundane things like call a cab or use a dishwasher or buy condoms.

Simon’s a big help, too, with the mundane stuff, and Raphael when he finally comes back to town. Magnus wants to ask Luke how he and Jocelyn adjusted to being out of the Shadow World, but Luke has stopped coming over and calling and joining the others on missions. Simon, on the other hand, seems happy for a chance to make himself useful and has taken to shadowing Magnus like he used to shadow Clary.

It’s all very depressing, really. Magnus wonders if there is a WikiHow article on helping all your friends deal with their respective traumas.

“Uber Eats: mankind’s best invention,” Magnus announces one evening, pressing “track order” and settling into Alec’s side on the couch in front of the TV.

“Yesterday, you said that was Netflix,” Alec says, wrapping an arm around Magnus’ shoulder. “And the day before that, waterproof mascara.”

“And I meant it every time.”

“Hmm. Do you wanna get married?”

If Magnus was eating or drinking something, he would be dead now from how violently he chokes at those words. “ _ What _ ?”

“Not right now,” Alec says quickly, as if that’s supposed to make it any less shocking. “But...in the future. Do you see us getting married?”

“I… well, I haven’t really thought about it…” That’s a lie. Magnus has thought about it plenty. But always in a fantastical sense - it has never felt within the realm of possibility, not with Alec and not with anyone. Not ever for Magnus. He can’t even list all the reasons why anymore. At some point it’s just started to feel like one of the sad truths of life. “Why do you ask?”

Alec shrugs. “Just thinking about the future.”

Magnus briefly and bitterly thinks about making a comment about how Alec must be loving this, not having to worry about being forgotten or replaced or turned into a memento in a box. But that’s just cruel and - probably - hopefully - not true, so Magnus stays quiet.

Instead he says, “I don’t know, I’ve never really had a bucket list or anything. Maybe I should make one and add that?” It’s a subtle hint, but Magnus hopes Alec understands what he’s trying to say:  _ Not the fucking time or place, babe. _

Alec tenses momentarily at the reminder of Magnus’ mortality, but recovers quickly and instead tightens his hold on Magnus, mumbling a quick apology.

Magnus starts thinking about the future. He’s never been able to picture anything specific before.

He still can’t.

The next day, when Alec gets back from work, Magnus has cooked dinner and decorated the table with rose petals and candles and everything. Alec seems to have also had a similar idea: he’s bought flowers and chocolate.

“What’s the occasion?” Magnus asks playfully.

“Could ask you the same thing,” Alec hands him the bouquet and kisses him softly. “I saw these and thought of you, that’s all.”

“Oh, darling, that’s so sweet,” Magnus says, smiling uncontrollably at him, before gesturing to the dinner table. “This was meant as an apology for snapping at you last night. I know you didn’t mean anything bad by your impromptu proposal. I’ve just been a little on edge.”

“I know, it’s okay. And I’m sorry that it came off… well, however it came off. But that wasn’t a proposal. That was just speculation. I’m not gonna actually ask you to marry me without a ring, you know.”

Magnus laughs, and they sit down to eat, but he can’t get Alec’s confident tone when he spoke so surely of their future marriage out of his head and focus on dinner no matter how hard he tries.

Maybe it’s just Magnus’ luck that he’s going to get the one thing he wants solely because he’s lost everything else.

Later that night - almost morning, really - they’re lying in bed in each other’s arms and Magnus asks, “do you really want to marry me?”

“Of course,” Alec says without hesitation. “Why wouldn't I?”

Magnus shrugs.  _ Where do I begin? _

“Magnus,” Alec says forcefully when he gets no reply. He places two slender fingers under Magnus’ chin and tilts his head up until they’re looking in each other’s eyes. “You’re literally the man of my dreams. All I’ve wanted to do since the second I met you was spend every waking moment with you for the rest of my life. Why wouldn’t I wanna marry you?”

Magnus is dumbfounded for a moment, as he often is when his boyfriend says things like that as if it’s the most obvious thing in the universe. Then he’s shaking his head and setting his jaw and pulling away from Alec. “Because!” he cries. “Nothing  _ that  _ good can come from  _ this _ !”

Alec’s confusion at his words melts away when Magnus stares down at his hands - his cold and sparkless fingers - replaced instead by a hurt, incredulous look.

“Hang on, you think I wanna marry you because-” Alec sputters. “You think I only want this because you’re  _ mortal  _ now?!”

“Well, why else have you never brought it up before?”

“Because I’ve never come this close to losing you before!”

It’s quiet for a moment. Magnus wraps his arms around himself. Alec sits up and tries desperately to catch his eyes.

“You went to  _ hell _ , Magnus,” he says, softer and quieter. “You had the highest fever I have ever seen on anyone in my life. You’re pulling away from me and you’re pretending you’re not hurting. I didn’t want to go another second without reminding you what you mean to me.”

Magnus takes a deep breath. “It feels like pity,” he admits.

“It’s not pity,” Alec says. “I would marry you whether we both had a day or a thousand years to live. But if you don’t want to, that’s okay. I don’t care as long as I get to be with you.”

“It  _ feels  _ like pity.”

“Then I’ll shut up about it.” Alec promises, then after a moment reaches out and playfully shoves Magnus. “See what happens when you  _ talk _ to me?”

He’s got a point. So a few hours later, after a quick nap and a lovely breakfast prepared by Alec, Magnus finds Alec in the library and finally starts talking.

At first he talks about everything but himself, but he can't avoid that topic for long. So “Catarina asked us to babysit next week” turns to “how's your family holding up?” to “I watched her grow up, you know. She used to make these drawing for me... I couldn't keep them - no one could know I knew her for everyone's safety - but I still remember them all. I can't believe she's really…” to “it's strange, not being able to use magic anymore, I don't know how to get used to it” and finally it all goes back to the root of the problem:

“I'm scared.”

Alec, who’s gone from listening intently from five feet apart to hugging him to tightly Magnus’ words are muffled into his shirt, looks down at him for a long moment when he says this.

“Of dying?” he asks quietly.

Magnus shakes his head.

“Then, what?”

“Of being…” Magnus sighs. “Of being powerless. Of not being able to help people or defend myself or  _ fix  _ thing. Of…not knowing who or what I am anymore if I’m not…”

A warlock. A healer.  _ Useful _ .

“You’re  the best person I know, and you always will be,” is what Alec says in reply, with no hesitation. “And we’re going to figure this out.”

Magnus feels himself smile without meaning to. He buries his face in Alec’s shoulder and Alec holds him for a while longer. This doesn’t answer any of his questions or solve any of his problems, but Magnus can’t deny he feels a little better, a little lighter, after their talk. Alec doesn’t understand (no one understands, really) and his words could be empty promises as easily as they could be an unbreakable oath. But it helps, somehow, to  _ hear  _ this kind of unwavering support and reassurance. To not have to pretend all the time.

The next time Magnus forgets, Alec is there to lace their fingers together and remind him to breathe before the world starts to feel like it’s crumbling down all around him again.


End file.
